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golden, babe

23.

I'm turning 23 today.

Is this age feels different? At first, no. It's like any other night. I'm just laying down lazily in my bed, googling in my phone, have blank stare at my laptop screen where I should doing my thesis. The only different is last night I fully aware that I will step in to another year of my life. That when the sun rises for today, I 'm not 22 again.

Then when I woke up this morning, like any other morning that possibly happen in my life. Alarm ringing at five, shut it down, wishing to have more sleep. Already close my eyes to 30 minutes for more dream. Like an illusion today is not 2 October. Then, it hit me.

I'm growing old. Yes, I am. Everyday, every hours, minutes, seconds.

23.

It suddenly make me think.

I'm not a kid anymore--of course I'm not. Silly me. But this though just become so real because finally I realize I can't waste my life again. This last one year pass through without anything big happen to me. When I supposed to finish my degree, working, make money, live my life, doing something that make me proud for myself. It just... I'm exhausted for nothing. I waste one fucking year!

This cannot happen anymore. No more wasting.

'You're an adult now' I tell myself. Adult. I'm fully responsible for my life. For what I choose, for days that passing by and will. I can't act like I'm 12 years old and still have parents for back me up when I'm in trouble.

Well, the only trouble right now is myself and life.

In this first day as 23, I know I can't just let this year slip out from my hand again. Not with all of this lazy-messy-clumsy-boring-not wise version of me. Turning into another year just make me sad. Sad because I'm not good at last year. Sad because everything happen and I have no memories about it. Sad because it just another gloomy time for me. So dark.

Yeah, it's become miserable.

Can I make my life better?

I should be better. I should make my life better. Like, hellooo after all this year? You not become best version of yourself. Well, I should start now.

I know what I will write below will make me doubt myself again, and everyone else that know me. Maybe. But I should do it, at least I'm planning it, Right? Like a promise to myself and hope I don't break it easily.

So,

I want make me better.

I'm not wasting my time again. No more more-sleeping. No more stay-awake at late night for nothing. No more more-time at phone.

I should plan better and execute better.

I should control my feel and thought. No more suudzon at other peeople. No more envy. No more dream, but act. No more expectation. No more mengkhayal-bodo'-bodo'. No more gila-gila.

I should plan my spending and saving. No more buy stuff that not necessary.

I should talk with more people.

I should write, keep myself sane.

I should be carefull. I should pay more attention with my health. No more money at hospital, though.

I should read more books.

I should keep focus on my study.

I should finish my study.

Don't be so negative.

To love myself more.

Well, most of them I need less.

I can do this. I just need to wake up every day, feel blessing for who I am and have a life, walking in the right path.

When I start to doubt myself again, I just need to look back at my miserable life, and then look forward where I potray myself as the glowing-glowing-wow person in the earth! (for myself).

Be your better version, Rini.