Kinda of Sentimental Day

pinterest.com

This year, I passed several days that I think that I'm very sentimental that time. Today that happen again.

Today, I feel so much hope.

Yesterday I go to an interview in a school. After I send my CV to ten school, finally I got noticed. I feel a bit tensed up because this school is one of prestigious school in town and they will search for the best. If you know me, I always think that I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not really capable. I always that hard to myself, yeah and I know that is a bad think. I prepare myself, I learn because there are not only interview but also written test. I even prepare a topic because there are micro-teaching also, but not scheduled yet.

Yesterday, I feel ready to tackle everything. I'm practicing my English and read and read again.

And I go through it. I think that I'm doing the test and interview very well. Yes, I still not really good in interview, there are some question that I did not really understand. But I think I'm good.

Then the interviewer ask me if I can do micro-teaching tomorrow, which meant today. And the topic was determined. I was asked to do micro-teaching in class eight, second grade of junior high.

I am unfamiliar with Junior high. In universities I was trained to teach in senior high. Even if the topic is almost same for both grade, but I don't know from where to where I can explain for the class. I'm preparing Genetics for senior high, but I got kicked out from my comfort zone to preparing new topic.

I made presentation, choose a good quality and well-presented video from Youtube, pray and hope for a good night sleep but I only sleep for maybe three hours.

It start happen in the morning.

Maybe it's my bad again, because I choose to have morning sleep after I wake up. I think I sleep for 30 minutes, but I have a very irrational dream about someone I have crush on. Man, I was trying to let go my feeling and then he came again. He sometimes appeared if I have my morning sleep. I should stop it, morning sleep is bad because it can bring some weird dreams.

I prepared and arrive at school one hour early than the arranged time.

I'm waiting and waiting.

And that thing hit me again, a sudden realization. About other dream. Things that I really wanna do for a long time and I already forget about that dream.

When I in Junior High, I ever think to became an English teacher. In Senior High, I'm still thinking about being a teacher, but in Junior high. I really want to be Junior High teacher. It's because I feel that I can recalling back my best memories in school, when I became the best version of myself, when curiosity and courage, and maaannn... no anxiety ever stopped in that time. When I'm no longer a kids but not yet an adult, there is no responsibility in there. There is no boys, no worried about being a weirdo, because we all are weird in junior high era. I only need to learn and read. I feel freedom. When we do mistakes not because we want it, but because we didn't know it wrong. And you are forgiven for that :P.  I think that my mental development stopped in that time. :D

And then there is it again. After five years disappear, they come again. That hope. I don't know how to explain my feeling, but I almost cry when I realize that and I think that I really close to them, my oldest dream.

Well, I even think that the reason why I want to become Junior High teacher is a little bit weird.

I pray and pray. Hope that I can explain the topic in class, I can get attention from students, they could understand what I say. I hope I'm doing well.

When I entered the classroom, and start teaching, I know, that what I want. Even if I will start to learn from zero about the things I'm unfamiliar with.

Five minutes after I entered the classroom, a funny moments happen to me. But I think that's slightly reduce my tension. Then I start teaching. A funny moment happen again, a tipped my toe in front of class, I almost fall but luckily not. Some students laugh but it's okay, I don't mind it (yet!).

The class over and I talk with the supervisors. Like others, I will be called back if I passed the micro-teaching. 

I still too fast when explaining the topic. Yeah, this is like a disease to me, if I'm not familiar with the person I talk to (which mean, new students!) I kinda like to make my speech speed. There is so much worries in my mind.

Is the students understand?

Why they look sleepy?

Am I speak clearly?

Oh my God! I say the wrong terms!

Are they bored?

They bored!

Should I ask them if they understand?

Why she sleep?

What should I do???

But I think, I'm doing well.

Today, realization and realization comes to me.

I'm trying to suggest myself that I'm good enough. Like, at least I try and that is good for me. That I finally have my sense back. I feel so much hope. I start to think about my future again. I think that I can have my motivation back, to wake up and have something to chase.

I should be brave and have no doubt. No more hesitation and not being a coward.

Believe in myself.

I think I can do it as long as I try and give my best.

Hehehe, that's for today. Still sentimental this night, but it's hard to explain more. :D

Please, if someone read this, pray for me so I can have this job! :D