Lines and Walls, Trust and Be Honest to Yourself

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That's when someone come, I tends to draw a line, build walls, but deep inside I'm rooting for someone that will stay with me, someone that never give up and understand, someone that keep me as cuma saya jii yang ada. Because this trust issue and insecurity feels like hell for me.

Bitter and loneliness that eat me from inside. There is a hole that filled with never ending worry and uneasy and fear. It makes me pity myself, why am I like this?

 Horrible mess.

Banyak dan Sedikit

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Jika orang lain yang kau kejar, lantas apa arti dari seluruh percakapan ini? Jam-jam malam yang dihabiskan di telepon? Kiriman-kiriman instragram lucu berikut curahan-curahan hari yang melelahkan?
Jangan membuat bingung.

Woah Ngeri Sendiri

Hari ini perasaanku tidak enak.

Rasa-rasanya terlalu banyak hal-hal negatif di kepalaku dan aku lelah dengan hal ini. Seperti ada batu besar yang menyumbat dadaku,begitu susah di keluarkan. Rasanya ingin menangis saja tapi tidak bisa. Ingin menangis sambil berteriak kencang sekali. Aku tidak habis pikir, mengapa aku begitu jahat hanya dengan mikirkan hal-halyang jahat dan buruk. Mengapa aku terus-terusan seperti ini.

Woah, jangan sampai kamu menangis di depan laptopmu sambil bekerja.

Ya

Kamu akan baik-baik saja karena hidup hanya sementara dan tidak ada yang lebih penting daripada rasa senang di dadamu yang akan mekar pada waktunya.

Maleficent 2: Makanya Jangan Sok Berkuasa

Maleficent 2: Mistress of Evil

There are a lot of things that I should post--scratch--write, but I'm too lazy to do that (I'm so busy for sleeping). For this post, like what the tittle said, I want to talk about the movie that I just watch. Maleficent 2: Mistress of Evil. Its not a review, maybe this is just a random talking about Maleficent, the 'villain' but actually not a villain.

Bermalas-Malasan di Akhir Minggu

Source Copyright

Minggu yang padat,

Anak Gadis yang Kerap Merasa Sendiri

Anak gadis yang kerap merasa sendiri
malam ini hujan deras sekali
kau khawatir kebanjiran
dadamu penuh
hatimu kosong
terasa semakin lapang
dan  hampa
ketakutan membelenggu pikiranmu
mensyukuri apa yang kamu miliki
meratapi yang tidak ada
dan menyesali masa lalu
melangkah tanpa tujuan
tak bisa pulang
bergelung dalam rahim ibu
hangat
jauh dari pikiranmu
yang ramai penuh sorak-sorai
membingungkan
membikin marah
membikin sakit
sampai busuk
tak tertolong

Tiga Hal yang Patut Disyukuri

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Beberapa minggu yang lalu, di perjalanan pulang dari sekolah sambil jalan kaki sendirian dan menikmati angin sepoi-sepoi kayak di anime-anime, aku yang biasanya mikirin hal-hal buruk yang terjadi dan kemungkinan terjadi di hidupku, tiba-tiba merasa bahwa otak aku ini geser 180 derajat ke posisi benar. Dua orang yang biasa nangkring di dalam kepalaku muncul dengan santainya, satu yang bertato sedang ongkang-ongkang kaki sambil menikmati rokoknya, sedangkan yang satunya lagi menyikat tembok di dalam kepalaku.

Tidak ada kejadian spesial hari itu, seperti biasa hari-hariku datar dan kulewati seadannya.

Yang gemar bikin onar di kepalaku menyahut.

Ada tiga hal yang patut kamu syukuri dalam hidupmu , Rin.

1. Saudara yang tidak banyak menuntut.

2. Teman yang peduli.

Hey You!

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Oiiii!

Oiii you!

Stop thinking!

Stop thinking too much!

Let them go

Hey come here, listen this song.

You like it?

Okay let's dance!

Wuooooohooooooo~

Hahaha--nice move gal!

you might can not be apart from that thing, they might be following you. Like a stalker. But you can always shoo them away, make them only look from far away.

They following, but can't get near you.

Hey it's okay.

You can cry

and scream (but we need pillow for it so our neighbors will not come and think there is robbery in this house)

but don't hurt your heart okay?

don't say that awful think again.

Don't say that evil word.

We love you

You still have us

Hey, you're not alone.

We are with you. We are here to pat your back, to hug you. 

Hey, it's okay.

You might have it, but can't define by it.

We know you're strong, and a bit arrogant with high self pride. Hahahha. So, even if you doing an awful work, or maybe a bad day, we know you always get up.

You always get up, Rin.

No matter what, you always stand up.

This is our marathon. We fall, we get up. We stand, and keep running.

Always stand up, Rin. Fight back! Give your fist!

*0o0*

Ayo deh, usaha untuk sembuh.

Doakan nah, kesulitan apa pun yanga da di dalam kepalaku ini, segala hal-hal buruk yang ada di dalam kepalaku ini bisa segera menghilang.

Swipe Left Your True Color

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Kala senyummu adalah tabir

dari pandangan terluka matamu

penghalang mata dunia

dari lebam-lebam

kegelisahan

ketidakpercayaan diri

ketakutan

yang bersarang 

dan bermalam 

di tempat tidurmu

Paling Pahit

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Omongan paling pahit yang bisa lo bilang ke diri lo sendiri yah "Nyerah aja kali yak, bagusnya?"

Ketika kamu merasa kayak sampah, yang kayaknya ngelakuin apapun nggak ada yang beres.

Minggu kemarin, terjadi sesuatu yang membuatku menanyakan kepantasanku menjadi seorang guru, apakah sebaiknya sa berhenti saja mengajari anak orang dan pulang ke rahim ibu. Sebuah omong-omongan yang sebaiknya tidak kumasukkan ke dalam hati, tapi terus saja mengusikku. Sekali lagi membuatku meragukan diri sendiri.

[Cerita Lampau] Kemalasan serta Keinginan Untuk Menyalahkan Tuhan

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Here it is, tulisanku waktu masih mencari-cari masalah buat bikin skripsi. Bertahun-tahun, kegusaran itu mengikutiku dan sepertinya semakin parah saja akhir-akhir ini. Dulu masih mendingan, masih menyempatkan waktu untuk menulis. Sekarang? Rasanya lebih enak tidur-tiduran saja setelah seharian berkutat dengan banyak orang. Butuh waktu.

Aku membuka-buka kembali file-file lamaku, sebenarnya tadinya ingin mengecek fanfic mana saja yang belum kuselesaikan dan apakah sebaiknya aku menulis fiksi lagi (dan bukan cuma curhatan penuh keluhan seperti beberapa tahun terakhir ini). Namun akhirnya bertemu dengan tulisan yang akhirnya akan kalian baca (jika kalian berniat membacanya). Dulu aku benar-benar kacau meskipun dari luar kelihatan aman-aman saja kepalaku (sampai sekarang pun begitu). Aku meluangkan waktu yang panjang untuk menulisnya, dan sebaiknya kumunculkan ia di sini.

Ini lah dia (dengan sedikit perbaikan).

Procrastination Day (Again)

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Actually I don't feel to write today, but... It's been a long time since my last writing, so okay let's write again.

I should working on Science and Biology question for now, next week will be the midterm for school, and I'm not prepare my question yet (all hail procrastination). Tomorrow will be celebration day for school and I don't know what to wear yet (again). And at Tuesday, there will be another celebration and I'm responsible for one booth and I don't prepare yet what will me and my partner do for our booth. Shame on me.

That's for my working life (Uhuy!).

And how 'bout my real life?

Hmmm... nothing happened. 

Like, no development at my love life. My romantic life so barren like desert. I think that, am I good at loving someone? While I struggle a lot for even like myself? For someone with this empty-dark-dull-blunt heart, it's like love from someone not belong here. 

Yes, I know. This self pity is so awful and I'm still looking for help (and cure for this thing).

And how about my real life?

Again, nothing.

It's like I have no life. Man. I just get up every morning then take a bath and go to school and back to school and prepare for learn for tomorrow and sleep and then back to wake up again. I feel that I jsut life from one day to another, from paycheck to paycheck. I'm still looking for what I want to do, what I like, what I will be, jadi brengsek.

Udah ah, bhay!

I'm Learning

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How to be a great teacher?

Since last year, I always thinking and asking about this. How to be a great teacher? How to explain things clearly? How to make my students understand the topic?

It's fourth month I'm teaching in school, and the first month I'm teaching in International Curriculum.

And I face more struggle. Not just for the topics, but also the method and language.

As long as I'm teaching, I already got four comments from my students.

1. Miss, you explain like a textbook.

2. Miss, as long as you explain, i'm not understand one of them.

3. Miss, you explain plain. You always stop after you finish what you want to say, you stop. Even when we don't understand.

It's always about understanding and the way I explain.

How to explain clearly?

This question rise up and pops more in my brain everytime I finish my schedule. I'm afraid that I can't make my student follow and understand the topic i've been teach. i'm afraid that the smart student become unmotivated and drop when I teach.

When I choose to be a teacher, I just potrayed my self as a person that talk in front of my students. And time after time, I realize that am I really can stand and talk in front of my students?

I never imagine that teacher is a profesion that ask you to always learn, mentally tiring and ask too much of you. Time, energy, and idea.

After sharing with my fellow teachers, I got some insight that I'm not alone feeling this things (not in the explain-understand part yha).

Teaching is mentally tiring because there is a time we should switch ourself, to become another person before entering the classroom. Be a new person.

When students so noisy in the class, I overwhelmed. But its so hard to dicipline them. When I admonished them, I feel like I lost lots of energy. And somethimes I afraid if they don't like me because I scold them.

I'm afraid that I lose control in the class room.

I'm afraid that if I'm not capable enough to teach them. That I still need a lot of learning and training. That I need more faith in myself.

Saat Ini

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Bila saat ini kau masih belum tahu apa yang ingin kau lakukan,

ingin jadi apa, arti hidupmu yang sebenarnya seperti apa,

maka jalanilah setiap hari sebagai sebuah usaha pencarian,

sebagai tantangan yang harus kau taklukan, sampai akhirnya

kau menemukan tujuanmu, hal yang paling membuatmu senang,

hal yang membuatmu lengkap.

percayalah dengan akhir yang cantik.